by James Lehman, MSW
Vicki
is the single mother of Alex (12), Ryan (8) and Jessica (6). To make
ends meet, she works two jobs—as a receptionist during the week and
part-time catering on weekends. She has been divorced from Mike, a
supervisor for a building contractor, for two years. Her relationship
with Mike is strained at best, hostile at worst.
Mike gets the kids every other
weekend and every Wednesday. The kids love going to Dad’s because there
are “no rules.” They get to do pretty much whatever they want. Weekends
are filled with video games, trips to the mall, pizza and movie outings.
And candy. Lots and lots of candy. Wednesday nights are TV nights. The
kids never do their homework on Wednesday nights because, after a long
day, Mike wants to kick back; he doesn’t want to have to deal with
questions about homework. Vicki resents Mike’s free-for-all parenting
and calls him “The Disneyland Daddy.”
When Mike drops off the kids at
Vicki’s apartment on Sunday night, they are wound up, bubbling about all
the things they did with Dad over the weekend and not wanting the fun
to end. Within minutes, excitement turns to disrespect, when Vicki asks
them to help with chores and get to their homework. They talk back, act
out and tune their mother out. Sunday nights with mom turn into
screaming matches and tears. The anxiety always spills over into Monday
morning, when she has to get the kids out of bed and get to work on
time.
In her own words, Vicki’s life is “a
wreck.” Her priority is to get the bills paid and provide for her kids.
In doing so, she feels she is losing control of them at light speed. How
can Vicki get back in control, when her parenting efforts are undone
weekly by Mike?
Mike doesn’t have effective parenting
skills and tries to make up for it with deep pockets. He’s also
perfectly happy that the kids go back to their mother’s and act out
because it’s gratifying for him; it’s a way to act out his bad feelings
toward his ex-wife. Vicki feels cheated, betrayed and resentful about
her income disparity with Mike and for having to carry the whole
workload of raising the children.
What they both need to understand is that
in divorce situations, kids develop a sort of “extra sensory
perception” about statements that reflect resentment, anxiety or
jealousy. They already feel caught in the middle between their parents,
and this heightened sensitivity to their parents’ words makes it even
more so.
Can Vicki stop the disrespect and chaos
in her home and can Mike learn to be a responsible, effective parent?
Yes. But here’s what has to happen:
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1.) Manage your feelings. The hard pill for parents, especially mothers, to swallow, is that they have to manage their feelings of resentment and anxiety. Kids do sense when daddy returns them that mom is resentful. This raises their anxiety and contributes to the acting out. I recommend that mom sit down and talk with the kids when things are going well. Make a plan that when they return home, there should be a half hour transition time, where they just go to their rooms and unwind and unpack and have a snack. They don’t talk about the visit with daddy. They don’t talk about the chores. They don’t do anything. They just unwind. After that half hour of transition time, that’s when she meets with the kids and sets up the structure for the night (homework, chores and TV time before bed) and the week (getting up, getting to school on time).
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2.) This mom needs to have a structure in the home with rules and very clear expectations. She needs to establish a culture in the home that says, “You’re accountable to me.” What happens at Dad’s house is irrelevant. Mom needs to say this: “You’re not at your father’s anymore. The rules here are these.” Then turn around and walk away. Mom can establish a structure by saying, “It’s eight o’clock. You need to start getting ready for bed. The clearer that structure is and the more it’s backed up by expectations, responsibilities and accountability, the better the chances the kids will respond to it. The simple fact is this: When the kids come back from Dad’s, they need a structure to come home to.3.) Use a reward system. At the same time, mom can set up a reward system. The kids who do their homework on Wednesday nights when they’re at Dad’s get something extra. It doesn’t have to be something that costs a lot of money. It can be extra computer time, extra phone time or staying up half an hour later the night they get back. There’s also a much easier way to get the kids to do their chores. Give them a certain amount of time to complete a task. If they get it done, they get a reward. For example, if Ryan does the dishes within 15 minutes after supper, he gets an extra half hour on the computer that evening. Vicki should set the limits and make it the kids’ responsibility to meet them. Why? Because they can do it. Kids show us this every day. Why do you think they go home and act out, then go to school the next day and behave themselves? It’s because they can manage different environments effectively.
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4.) Try to work out a fair arrangement with the other parent. I think the “Disneyland Daddy” in this case needs to be challenged to become a more responsible parent. If these parents are involved in family therapy or counseling, accelerating Mike’s responsibility needs to be part of the structure. I’ve known families who have worked out an arrangement in therapy that if the child is acting out after being at Dad's house, the father has to come over and help calm him. It puts some responsibility back on the father and discourages him from creating the problem. This can only happen if parents are empowered through the divorce decree and custody arrangement or through regular or court-ordered family therapy. But it’s important for parents in these situations to have that empowerment, so that the family has a structure for the co-parenting task.
The Disneyland Daddy reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents." |
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