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| Don’t let inattention and hyperactivity keep your child from the success he deserves. I consider my son’s success in life my greatest achievement. I’d like to help your child. Best regards,  Dr. Robert Myers | ||
| *Results will vary. | ||
©Legacy Publishing Company. All Rights Reserved. | ||
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A New Choice, A New Day for Kids with ADHD
Friday, August 26, 2011
Your Child's Behavioral Triggers
How to Find the Behavioral Triggers That Set Your Kid Off
by Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Line Advisor
Why are your child’s “triggers” so important to be aware of when it comes to losing your temper, or your kids acting out? Many parents I talk to on the Parental Support Line are mystified by their child’s behavior. They feel like they’re walking through a minefield at home—where something, anything, could set their child off at any moment. This is an incredibly tough feeling for parents to deal with, and many feel at a loss about how to stop it; as a result, they feel defeated and hopeless. However, it is possible to turn things around.It’s not the situation or the feeling that’s the problem; it’s how kids think about these things and what they say to themselves that causes problems.
In order to come up with a solution that will help, it’s important to first figure out what the problem is—what sets your child off? Once you identify your child’s “triggers,”—the events or situations that precede a tantrum or tirade, you’ll be on your way to stopping the out of control behavior.
To explain it in terms of behavior management, a trigger is a thought about a situation that leads to an inappropriate response to that situation. In other words, it’s not the situation or the feeling that’s the problem; it’s how kids think about these things and what they say to themselves that causes problems. Whenever a child lacks the skills to effectively respond to or manage a trigger, acting out occurs. For example, your teen might become angry and think to himself, “This is so unfair! I don’t have to put up with this crap.” This kind of thinking, commonly referred to as “negative self-talk,” might lead to your child lashing out, screaming, and throwing things. Some kids act out more passively; your child might pretend he doesn’t hear you when you ask him to do something, for example. What he might be saying to himself in this situation is, “She can’t control me. I can do whatever I want,” right before he decides to ignore you. Kids can also act in—they can withdraw and shut down or refuse to speak to you when you try to find out what’s wrong. They might think, “I’m so useless. I never do anything right. There’s just no point in trying.”
Learning your child’s triggers is one of the first steps to helping him learn better self-management skills. When he’s able to learn his triggers, he’ll start to recognize them when they come up. Only when he recognizes them can he start to use a new strategy to manage them. The process itself will involve a lot of problem-solving discussions with you and will take repetition and time, but it’s something most kids can learn.
How can you identify your child’s triggers?
Observe and Investigate: Observation is one of your best tools for identifying your child’s triggers, especially with younger children who have less self-awareness. Simply pay attention and be aware of the warning signs. Watch and listen, whether your child is hanging out with friends at home, doing homework, or playing on the playground. You might start to notice patterns emerging. For example, maybe your child does well with her math homework but starts to get sassy and restless when it’s time to do her daily reading. That would alert you that there may be a trigger related to reading that you want to explore more. Or, you might notice that your teen starts acting strange and moody after she talks to her boyfriend on the phone or returns from his house. This might tell you that the trigger is related to something going on in their relationship. Keep your eyes and ears open at all times and look for patterns and connections. And remember, observing is not the same as searching. If you are going to search through your child’s room, social networking accounts, backpacks, etc. be up front with them and let them know that you might search through these things at any time for any reason. [Editor’s note: For more on this subject, read Teens and Privacy by James Lehman, MSW.]
You also should enlist the help of other adults in your child’s life to observe your child’s behavior and interactions. This could include your relatives, other parents, or your child’s teachers. If your child starts acting out while other adults are around, ask them what they saw happen right before the acting out started. If your child acted out in school, find out what the teacher saw happening or what other students reported to her. You can think of yourself as an investigator interviewing the witnesses so that you can piece everything together and start to make connections between environmental factors and your child’s acting out. Observation by you and other adults in your child’s life is especially important when dealing with younger children (preschool through early elementary school) who might have a hard time answering any questions you ask them to clarify what happened. As helpful as this tool can be, do not rely on observation alone. Instead, let it serve as a guide that points you in the right direction.
Perception is Everything: It’s vital to consider your child’s perception of the incident. Remember that children perceive things very differently from adults. You might assume you know what happened, but your child probably experienced it very differently. So ask him about it even if you think you know the answer. You might say “What were you thinking right before you threw your book at your friend?” or “What was going on for you before you pushed that kid in the hall at school?” (Again, some younger children might struggle to answer these questions, but it can’t hurt to ask.) Some kids can have trouble putting their thoughts into words at times. If your child is still wound up from the incident, give him time to calm down before trying to have any sort of conversation about what happened. Emotions can sometimes be a block to clear, rational thought.
Here are 5 tips to help you make your child more aware of their triggers:
- With younger kids, talk about feelings: Because feelings and triggers are directly related, having discussions about feelings when your kids are young can help you establish a foundation to build on when identifying your child’s triggers for him. This should be done when things are calm and going well, not right in the middle of or after a tantrum or outburst. Ask your child what makes him angry. What makes him happy? What makes him sad? The purpose of this is to teach kids how to identify various feelings, to learn what it means to feel angry, happy, sad, disappointed, etc., not to give them an excuse for bad behavior. This also enables kids to communicate their feelings to you clearly so that you are in the best position to help them learn how to cope.
- Connect the dots for them: Let your child know what you have observed about the trigger and the acting out behavior. Use this as a framework: “Whenever ______ happens, you ________” or “I’ve noticed that when you ________, you __________.” For example, you might say “I’ve noticed that when you think something is unfair, you get verbally abusive and call me names. “ By connecting the dots for them, you are helping them learn their triggers. It’s best if this is part of a problem-solving discussion that includes you and your child coming up with a plan for what your child will do differently next time he is in this kind of situation. Having a clear simple plan is necessary to help your child change his behavior in the future.
- Talk about the signs: Often there are physical symptoms that come along with these trigger thoughts. The nervous system kicks into high gear when a trigger is present and can cause rapid heartbeat, warm flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, cold hands, muscle tension, and a lot of other signals. Ask your child what they feel in their body when the trigger you are talking about is present. When kids are aware of the warning signs their body gives them, it will serve as a natural cue to put the new plan you came up with during your problem-solving discussions into action.
- Cueing: Cueing is a common behavior management technique. Choose one specific trigger to work on and then come up with some kind of hand signal or phrase that will serve as an alert to your child that the trigger is present. This allows you to make your child aware of the trigger subtly in social situations. Once you have alerted him, he’ll have the chance to self-correct, or in other words, respond using the new plan you came up with, with minimal help from you. Cueing works at home as well.
- Check in: If you’ve cued your child but he didn’t use the response the two of you had planned on, have him take a break from whatever is going on and come speak to you in a quiet place, away from an audience. This is where you step in and help your child correct his behavior. Let him know you gave him the cue but you noticed he didn’t respond the way you had discussed. Remind him of what you talked about and let him know what the consequences will be if he doesn’t use the plan the next time you cue him today, and remind him what the plan is. This can apply with younger kids and teens, in social settings or at home.
What changes in behavior might you see?
Teaching your child about his triggers is not an easy process by any means. To really help your child become aware of his triggers takes time and repetition, as well as commitment and persistence on your part. Talking about it only one time and then forgetting about it will not get you anywhere; continuing to have calm, supportive and open dialogue about triggers is the key. Stick with it and allow room for some trial and error when coming up with new ways to respond to triggers. With time, most children not only learn how to respond more effectively when triggers occur, but they learn to anticipate them and even avoid situations that might set them off. As James Lehman says in the Total Transformation Program, “…Kids start to see triggers as real things that they can manage with real tools, that there are things you can do about this… But the bottom line is a lot of these kids’ minds construct ways of thinking that justify inappropriate behavior. And they’ve got to come up with alternative ways of thinking, alternative ways of perceiving the problem.”
When your child realizes there are things he can do to manage his triggers appropriately, your pay-off is a child who knows himself well, has improved self-management skills, and feels more confident about himself. And when you’re able to help your child reduce his acting out behavior, you’ll feel calmer and more in control—exactly how you want to be.
How to Find the Behavioral Triggers That Set Your Kid Off reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
 | Sara A. Bean, M.Ed. holds a Masters Degree in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Florida Atlantic University. She is a Certified School Counselor and a proud aunt to a 5 year-old girl. She has been with Legacy Publishing since 2009 working on the Parental Support Line. Sara has over 5 years of experience working with youth and families in private homes, residential group homes, and schools. |
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Fighting in School and at Home
Aggressive Child Behavior Part I: Fighting in School and at Home
by James Lehman, MSW
Does your child always seem to get in trouble for fighting? You’ve tried talking to him, but the aggressive behavior hasn’t stopped—he still roughhouses with his siblings at home to the point of injury, brawls with kids on the bus and gets into fistfights at school. In part 1 of this two-part series on aggressive child and teen behavior, James Lehman explains why kids get into fights in the first place—and tells you the three basic types of fighting that you need to address as a parent.
"The question 'why' doesn't lead to a change in behavior, but the question "What were you trying to accomplish" does…"
Why is fighting on the rise for both boys and girls these days? In fact, why are so many child behavior problems increasing? It's not only fighting; many kids also have a much harder time showing respect for authority, following parental structure, responding to simple directions and completing tasks. It seems like on all levels of measurable behavior, kids are falling further and further behind.
In my experience, all of these behaviors are part of the same larger issue. For one reason or another, many children are not learning the problem-solving skills they need in order to avoid getting into a physical fight. As a result, they develop ineffective coping skills.
If your child uses fighting as a coping skill, you may naturally feel frustrated and unsure about how to handle this issue. Often, parents panic when they start to wake up to the fact that things are getting worse with their child’s behavior. They react by using the same tools they used in the past, only they use them harder or louder or more punitively. The problem is that if your child isn't responding to your parenting methods in the first place, doing it louder or stronger probably isn’t going to change that. In my opinion, it's not that parents need to use their skills more intensely—it's that they need to develop more intense skills.
How Kids Develop into Fighters
Are some kids more prone to get into fistfights and shoving matches than others? Perhaps. Many children have difficulties solving social problems, and this can often lead to aggressive behavior. A social problem can be anything from learning how to get food when you’re hungry, to sharing toys, to responding appropriately when an adult says “no,” to not using drugs when your friends do, and avoiding unsafe sex. Most children learn how to handle these problems as they mature. But some kids get sidetracked at some point in their development, perhaps because of a learning disability or some other hidden factor. In any case, they don't develop the problem-solving skills they need to function at their level. These are the kids who often resort to violence and aggression—they use verbal abuse and fighting in place of the coping skills they should have learned along the way.
Sometimes we unknowingly misdirect our kids’ coping skill development by teaching them how to make excuses and blame others. When a parent says to a child, “Why did you hit your little brother, Tommy?” not only are they asking Tommy to make an excuse, but if he doesn’t, they’ll readily provide one: “Maybe you were angry.” The question “why” always indicates that we’re looking for an excuse or reason, when really what we want to learn is what he was trying to accomplish. So a better question is “What were you trying to accomplish when you hit your brother?” because it gets to the facts of the action. Why Tommy did what he did is not as important as what he was trying to accomplish.
Don’t Ask Your Child "Why"—Ask “What Were You Trying to Accomplish?”
The question “why” doesn’t lead to a change in behavior, but the question “What were you trying to accomplish” does lead to that change, because when a person tells you what they were trying to accomplish, there’s a window there where you can tell them how they can do it differently next time. If we’re not careful, by the time kids are five or six, we’ve taught them how to make excuses and justify inappropriate behavior. If they’re old enough to process this, you can ask them, “What can you do differently next time to accomplish this without hitting your younger brother or getting into trouble?" Younger kids often can’t process this yet, so you walk through it with them. Give them some suggestions: “You can go to your room; you can walk away; you can come and tell me that you need some time alone.”
There are many professionals who think asking “why” is important. They believe if your child knows why he did something, he’ll understand his feelings better—and if he understands his feelings, he won’t get aggressive. That’s not what I’ve learned from experience. For children and adolescents, understanding their feelings better simply does not lead to a change in behavior. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. A child cannot feel his way to better behavior, but he can behave his way to better feelings. So we always want to focus on what the behavior was and then what the behavior should be.
The Three Types of Fighting
When we think of fighting, we think typically of two people getting angry at each other and coming to physical blows. But certainly, kids fight in many ways and for different reasons.
Oppositional and Defiant Fighting: One form of fighting is being oppositional and defiant toward everything. These are kids who fight and don't even know why. And the more we try to explore the “why” with them, the more they act defiantly. These are the kids to whom parents are most prone to unwittingly teach excuses.
Verbal Abuse and Temper Tantrums: Kids often fight by being verbally abusive; that’s how they strike out at you. The goal when you intervene with kids who are being verbally abusive is to teach them how to do things differently next time—the same as if they were fighting or hitting.
Angry and Antagonistic Behavior: Sometimes kids get angry or antagonized by another child and hit them. Or two or more kids will have an argument that escalates until they come to blows. Some children are easily antagonized, and will often use a fist in place of other coping skills.
I think all of these kids who fight for these reasons have one thing in common: they simply have not developed their social problem-solving skills—whether it's an ability to communicate, accept boundaries, meet responsibilities, or get along with others—in a way that gives them adequate control over their angry and frustrated impulses.
Dealing with a child who is aggressive and gets into fights all the time is really tough; I understand that very well. I see a lot of frustrated parents today who feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Even though they have talked to other parents, read books and watched TV shows about parenting, they aren’t able to change their child’s behavior—and their own techniques continue to be ineffective. I'm not saying there's a magic cure, but I do believe parents need to seek out information and learn new skills as much as they can. Sadly, many parents put a lot of effort into getting a diagnosis for their acting-out children by going from therapist to therapist, but often they don't get enough information on how to become more effective parents themselves, regardless of the diagnosis.
Aggressive Child Behavior Part II: 7 Tools to Stop Fighting in School and at Home
by James Lehman, MSW
In part 2 of this two-part series, James discusses exactly what to do when your children get in trouble for fighting at school or at home—and the right kinds of consequences to give them so they learn to use appropriate behavior instead of lashing out when they feel like hitting someone the next time. Read on to find out the steps you can take toward resolving the problem of fighting at school, plus get advice on how to handle fights that break out between siblings at home!
"Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of … problem-solving skills."
When your children use fighting or other negative physical behavior as their main coping skills, you’ll find that it usually doesn’t stop at home—they will use it at school, in the neighborhood, on the ball field or at the mall. If your son uses physical fighting, for example, or your daughter uses verbal abuse in place of the problem-solving skills they need to learn in order to function successfully as adults—skills like communication, negotiation and compromise—make no mistake, you need to address this problem immediately. If you don’t, understand that it’s as if your children will be entering the world with a couple of hammers to handle their problems, when what they really need is a wide range of sophisticated tools in order to be successful.
How to Handle Fighting at School and at Home: 7 Tools You Can Use Today
When your child is disciplined at school for getting into a fight, I think the absolute best thing you can do is first find out from the school exactly what happened. That way, you’ll have a framework for your eventual discussion with your child.
In my opinion, the most effective way to handle news about fighting at school is to do the following:
1. Give Your Child Time to Transition:
When your child gets home, give him ten minutes to reorient to the house. Let him have his snack or listen to some music. Don’t challenge him immediately, because transition is difficult for people of all ages, and it is not a time to deal with any issues at all. For instance, if a child acts out at the mall, or there’s a problem with the next door neighbors, when you get him back in the house, give him ten minutes before you talk with him. The time to talk about any episode is not right when he gets home. It’s hard for people to process emotions during transitions. Rather, the time to talk about it is ten minutes later, after your child has calmed down.
2. Be Direct and Don’t Trap Him:
When you talk, try to avoid blaming, tricking or trapping your child. Instead, be very direct and straightforward; put the facts out there. “I spoke to the school today and they were concerned. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Don’t try to trap your child by saying things like, “Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?” Over time, trick or “trap” questions will increase your child's anxiety and make him not trust you, because he will never know what you're going to confront him with.
3. Listen to What He Has to Say—Even If He’s Wrong:
Let your child tell you the whole story first, if he's willing to talk. Don't cut him off halfway through by saying, “Well, that's not what they said.” If you do that, you're never going to hear his side of the story. By the way, your child’s account may not be accurate or honest, and his perceptions may not be valid. But the bottom line is that if you hear the whole story, at least then you've got something comprehensive to work with.
If you stop your child when he sounds like he's not telling the truth, you may miss the point that shines light on the fact that it's a matter of different perceptions. Often, a child’s perceptions aren't the same as an adult’s—and you won't learn that unless you hear the whole story. By the way, these misperceptions will need to be corrected. So encourage your child to talk.
4. Use Active Listening Methods:
When you say, “The school called me today about a fight. Can you tell me what happened?” your child may tell you something, or he may not. If he decides to talk, let him tell you as much as he can. Always use statements such as, “Uh huh.”“Tell me more.” “I see.” and “What happened next?” Those are active listening methods that get kids to talk more and be comfortable. Don't forget, our goal is not to intimidate or punish. Our goal is to investigate and learn information. On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about what happened, I recommend that he not be allowed to play, watch TV, use electronics, or do anything else until he’s ready to talk.
When you are talking with your child, if he gets stuck for a minute, repeat back what you’ve heard him saying in this manner: “So what I hear you saying is, Jared came and kicked you today for no reason, so you hit him. Is that right?” Get it straight so that you're both on the same page. When your child is done, ask, “Did the school punish you?” and then ask how. Let him tell you what the school did and then say, “OK, when I spoke to the school, this is what they told me.” First, start with the points your child and the school agreed on. “They did say you and Jared were having an argument and that it was almost lunch time.” Or “They did say that Michael was being rude to you in the cafeteria and that he was teasing you about the shirt you wore today.”
5. Avoid Using the Word “But”:
Here’s an important rule of thumb—when disagreeing with your child or wanting to point out something to him, avoid using the word “but”—use a word like “and” instead. Understand that the word “but” cuts down on communication, because it really means, “Now I'm going to tell you where you were wrong,” This simply sets up a kid’s defenses. For example, if you say, “You did a nice job cleaning your room today, but…” he knows something negative is coming. “But it still smells in there.” That’s not as helpful as saying, “You did a nice job cleaning your room, and now I’d like you to spray it with room deodorizer.” You’ll get the same result, but you’re doing it in a more affirmative, pleasant way.
So you can say, “I heard about what Michael said to you…and the teacher also said that he heard Michael say insulting things about your shirt. And then the teacher told you to go to the lunch counter, and said that he would take care of Michael for you. Instead, you chose to curse at Michael and started walking toward him in a threatening way. What were you trying to accomplish when you cursed at Michael and walked in his direction?” Keep probing, trying to find out what he wanted to accomplish. Most importantly, you want your child to make an admission about what happened so he can learn from it.
One of the things you want to do if you can is point out the exact moment when your child’s problem-solving skills stopped working, because that’s the point where the learning can take place. If your son says, “I started walking toward Michael because he was being mean to me,” you can respond, “You know, you were right that he was being mean and you were right to get angry, but if the teacher says he’s going to take care of it, you have to stop or you’ll get into trouble. If somebody insulted my clothes or called me names, I wouldn’t like it either. So I understand.”
6. When Talking with the School about Consequences:
Find out what the school’s usual consequences are for fighting when you talk with them. If they ask you, “What do you think we should do?” I think you should say, “Well, what are the standard consequences for this behavior? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t follow them? I think you should follow your policy.”
Let me be clear here: anything that your child does that is physically aggressive, physically abusive, or verbally abusive should be followed up at home with a discussion and possible consequence. (Any functional problem—running in the hall, chewing gum, throwing something—should be handled by the school. It’s their job to manage routine behavior.)
The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach him about alternatives. If it’s the first time, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. On the other hand, if this is the second time this has happened at school, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, but there should be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.
If your child is suspended from school, I recommend that he loses all his privileges and electronics until he’s off suspension. That timeline is easy; the school has already set it for you. Remember, if your child is suspended to home, then you put the keyboard, the cable box, the iPod and the cell phone in the back of your car when you go to work.
And here's how I recommend that parents deal with siblings fighting at home:
7. How to Handle Fighting at Home:
Fighting at home differs from fighting in school for a parent because if you weren't there when the fight started, the reality is, there's no way to tell who's telling the truth—or if in fact there is a truth. Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of communication and problem-solving skills. Either way, if you weren’t there to see the fight start, the best way to deal with it is to give both kids the same consequence and learning lesson. To begin with, meet with each child briefly to get their perceptions. Then give each kid the same consequence and learning lesson, no matter who you think was responsible for starting it. So that might be, “You will both go to your rooms until you write three paragraphs (depending upon how old your child is) on what you're going to do differently next time.” Or “Each of you has to go and write an apology to your brother. Until it’s done, you both stay in your rooms.” If your kids share a room, then send one to the kitchen. Separating them is important because not only will it stop the fight, it will help your kids calm down.
With younger kids, they can be sent to their room for a while to play on their own. And with older kids, let them listen to music in their rooms. The idea is that they should calm down and then write their essays. (With younger kids who can’t write yet, you might just have them tell you what they will do differently next time.) By the way, each child should be dealt with separately, regarding how they respond to the consequence. So if one child is resistant and defiant and the other is not, that's taken into consideration, in terms of how long they have to stay in their rooms or go without privileges.
Understand that your kids may have another fight an hour later, and they might have to go back in their rooms again and again. The important thing here is that when they write those apologies or alternative behaviors, the part of their mind that’s trying to solve problems and learn how to communicate better is beginning to work. Part of any learning experience is to get that area of the mind—the learning, problem-solving, communicating area of the mind—working. It's like exercising: as long as your body is doing push-ups, your muscles are going to get bigger. When you stop doing push-ups, those muscles don't get bigger anymore. And certainly, if you want to teach your child how to communicate and problem solve, you have to use those situations as much as you can. Think of it as practice for the future—you are helping your kids build muscles that will help them behave appropriately for the rest of their lives.
Whenever possible, build on past successes. What has the child done in this type of situation that worked for him in the past? You can ask, “Yesterday your brother was annoying to you, but you didn’t hit him then. What made today different? It seemed like you handled it great yesterday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today? What did you say to control yourself? How is this different?” Pointing out a previous success in a similar situation can provide insight and direction for the future, and that’s exactly what you want to give your child.
by James Lehman, MSW
Does your child always seem to get in trouble for fighting? You’ve tried talking to him, but the aggressive behavior hasn’t stopped—he still roughhouses with his siblings at home to the point of injury, brawls with kids on the bus and gets into fistfights at school. In part 1 of this two-part series on aggressive child and teen behavior, James Lehman explains why kids get into fights in the first place—and tells you the three basic types of fighting that you need to address as a parent.
"The question 'why' doesn't lead to a change in behavior, but the question "What were you trying to accomplish" does…"
Why is fighting on the rise for both boys and girls these days? In fact, why are so many child behavior problems increasing? It's not only fighting; many kids also have a much harder time showing respect for authority, following parental structure, responding to simple directions and completing tasks. It seems like on all levels of measurable behavior, kids are falling further and further behind.
In my experience, all of these behaviors are part of the same larger issue. For one reason or another, many children are not learning the problem-solving skills they need in order to avoid getting into a physical fight. As a result, they develop ineffective coping skills.
If your child uses fighting as a coping skill, you may naturally feel frustrated and unsure about how to handle this issue. Often, parents panic when they start to wake up to the fact that things are getting worse with their child’s behavior. They react by using the same tools they used in the past, only they use them harder or louder or more punitively. The problem is that if your child isn't responding to your parenting methods in the first place, doing it louder or stronger probably isn’t going to change that. In my opinion, it's not that parents need to use their skills more intensely—it's that they need to develop more intense skills.
How Kids Develop into Fighters
Are some kids more prone to get into fistfights and shoving matches than others? Perhaps. Many children have difficulties solving social problems, and this can often lead to aggressive behavior. A social problem can be anything from learning how to get food when you’re hungry, to sharing toys, to responding appropriately when an adult says “no,” to not using drugs when your friends do, and avoiding unsafe sex. Most children learn how to handle these problems as they mature. But some kids get sidetracked at some point in their development, perhaps because of a learning disability or some other hidden factor. In any case, they don't develop the problem-solving skills they need to function at their level. These are the kids who often resort to violence and aggression—they use verbal abuse and fighting in place of the coping skills they should have learned along the way.
Sometimes we unknowingly misdirect our kids’ coping skill development by teaching them how to make excuses and blame others. When a parent says to a child, “Why did you hit your little brother, Tommy?” not only are they asking Tommy to make an excuse, but if he doesn’t, they’ll readily provide one: “Maybe you were angry.” The question “why” always indicates that we’re looking for an excuse or reason, when really what we want to learn is what he was trying to accomplish. So a better question is “What were you trying to accomplish when you hit your brother?” because it gets to the facts of the action. Why Tommy did what he did is not as important as what he was trying to accomplish.
Don’t Ask Your Child "Why"—Ask “What Were You Trying to Accomplish?”
The question “why” doesn’t lead to a change in behavior, but the question “What were you trying to accomplish” does lead to that change, because when a person tells you what they were trying to accomplish, there’s a window there where you can tell them how they can do it differently next time. If we’re not careful, by the time kids are five or six, we’ve taught them how to make excuses and justify inappropriate behavior. If they’re old enough to process this, you can ask them, “What can you do differently next time to accomplish this without hitting your younger brother or getting into trouble?" Younger kids often can’t process this yet, so you walk through it with them. Give them some suggestions: “You can go to your room; you can walk away; you can come and tell me that you need some time alone.”
There are many professionals who think asking “why” is important. They believe if your child knows why he did something, he’ll understand his feelings better—and if he understands his feelings, he won’t get aggressive. That’s not what I’ve learned from experience. For children and adolescents, understanding their feelings better simply does not lead to a change in behavior. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. A child cannot feel his way to better behavior, but he can behave his way to better feelings. So we always want to focus on what the behavior was and then what the behavior should be.
The Three Types of Fighting
When we think of fighting, we think typically of two people getting angry at each other and coming to physical blows. But certainly, kids fight in many ways and for different reasons.
Oppositional and Defiant Fighting: One form of fighting is being oppositional and defiant toward everything. These are kids who fight and don't even know why. And the more we try to explore the “why” with them, the more they act defiantly. These are the kids to whom parents are most prone to unwittingly teach excuses.
Verbal Abuse and Temper Tantrums: Kids often fight by being verbally abusive; that’s how they strike out at you. The goal when you intervene with kids who are being verbally abusive is to teach them how to do things differently next time—the same as if they were fighting or hitting.
Angry and Antagonistic Behavior: Sometimes kids get angry or antagonized by another child and hit them. Or two or more kids will have an argument that escalates until they come to blows. Some children are easily antagonized, and will often use a fist in place of other coping skills.
I think all of these kids who fight for these reasons have one thing in common: they simply have not developed their social problem-solving skills—whether it's an ability to communicate, accept boundaries, meet responsibilities, or get along with others—in a way that gives them adequate control over their angry and frustrated impulses.
Dealing with a child who is aggressive and gets into fights all the time is really tough; I understand that very well. I see a lot of frustrated parents today who feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Even though they have talked to other parents, read books and watched TV shows about parenting, they aren’t able to change their child’s behavior—and their own techniques continue to be ineffective. I'm not saying there's a magic cure, but I do believe parents need to seek out information and learn new skills as much as they can. Sadly, many parents put a lot of effort into getting a diagnosis for their acting-out children by going from therapist to therapist, but often they don't get enough information on how to become more effective parents themselves, regardless of the diagnosis.
Aggressive Child Behavior Part II: 7 Tools to Stop Fighting in School and at Home
by James Lehman, MSW
In part 2 of this two-part series, James discusses exactly what to do when your children get in trouble for fighting at school or at home—and the right kinds of consequences to give them so they learn to use appropriate behavior instead of lashing out when they feel like hitting someone the next time. Read on to find out the steps you can take toward resolving the problem of fighting at school, plus get advice on how to handle fights that break out between siblings at home!
"Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of … problem-solving skills."
When your children use fighting or other negative physical behavior as their main coping skills, you’ll find that it usually doesn’t stop at home—they will use it at school, in the neighborhood, on the ball field or at the mall. If your son uses physical fighting, for example, or your daughter uses verbal abuse in place of the problem-solving skills they need to learn in order to function successfully as adults—skills like communication, negotiation and compromise—make no mistake, you need to address this problem immediately. If you don’t, understand that it’s as if your children will be entering the world with a couple of hammers to handle their problems, when what they really need is a wide range of sophisticated tools in order to be successful.
How to Handle Fighting at School and at Home: 7 Tools You Can Use Today
When your child is disciplined at school for getting into a fight, I think the absolute best thing you can do is first find out from the school exactly what happened. That way, you’ll have a framework for your eventual discussion with your child.
In my opinion, the most effective way to handle news about fighting at school is to do the following:
1. Give Your Child Time to Transition:
When your child gets home, give him ten minutes to reorient to the house. Let him have his snack or listen to some music. Don’t challenge him immediately, because transition is difficult for people of all ages, and it is not a time to deal with any issues at all. For instance, if a child acts out at the mall, or there’s a problem with the next door neighbors, when you get him back in the house, give him ten minutes before you talk with him. The time to talk about any episode is not right when he gets home. It’s hard for people to process emotions during transitions. Rather, the time to talk about it is ten minutes later, after your child has calmed down.
2. Be Direct and Don’t Trap Him:
When you talk, try to avoid blaming, tricking or trapping your child. Instead, be very direct and straightforward; put the facts out there. “I spoke to the school today and they were concerned. Would you like to tell me what happened?” Don’t try to trap your child by saying things like, “Did anything happen at school today that you want to talk about?” Over time, trick or “trap” questions will increase your child's anxiety and make him not trust you, because he will never know what you're going to confront him with.
3. Listen to What He Has to Say—Even If He’s Wrong:
Let your child tell you the whole story first, if he's willing to talk. Don't cut him off halfway through by saying, “Well, that's not what they said.” If you do that, you're never going to hear his side of the story. By the way, your child’s account may not be accurate or honest, and his perceptions may not be valid. But the bottom line is that if you hear the whole story, at least then you've got something comprehensive to work with.
If you stop your child when he sounds like he's not telling the truth, you may miss the point that shines light on the fact that it's a matter of different perceptions. Often, a child’s perceptions aren't the same as an adult’s—and you won't learn that unless you hear the whole story. By the way, these misperceptions will need to be corrected. So encourage your child to talk.
4. Use Active Listening Methods:
When you say, “The school called me today about a fight. Can you tell me what happened?” your child may tell you something, or he may not. If he decides to talk, let him tell you as much as he can. Always use statements such as, “Uh huh.”“Tell me more.” “I see.” and “What happened next?” Those are active listening methods that get kids to talk more and be comfortable. Don't forget, our goal is not to intimidate or punish. Our goal is to investigate and learn information. On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about what happened, I recommend that he not be allowed to play, watch TV, use electronics, or do anything else until he’s ready to talk.
When you are talking with your child, if he gets stuck for a minute, repeat back what you’ve heard him saying in this manner: “So what I hear you saying is, Jared came and kicked you today for no reason, so you hit him. Is that right?” Get it straight so that you're both on the same page. When your child is done, ask, “Did the school punish you?” and then ask how. Let him tell you what the school did and then say, “OK, when I spoke to the school, this is what they told me.” First, start with the points your child and the school agreed on. “They did say you and Jared were having an argument and that it was almost lunch time.” Or “They did say that Michael was being rude to you in the cafeteria and that he was teasing you about the shirt you wore today.”
5. Avoid Using the Word “But”:
Here’s an important rule of thumb—when disagreeing with your child or wanting to point out something to him, avoid using the word “but”—use a word like “and” instead. Understand that the word “but” cuts down on communication, because it really means, “Now I'm going to tell you where you were wrong,” This simply sets up a kid’s defenses. For example, if you say, “You did a nice job cleaning your room today, but…” he knows something negative is coming. “But it still smells in there.” That’s not as helpful as saying, “You did a nice job cleaning your room, and now I’d like you to spray it with room deodorizer.” You’ll get the same result, but you’re doing it in a more affirmative, pleasant way.
So you can say, “I heard about what Michael said to you…and the teacher also said that he heard Michael say insulting things about your shirt. And then the teacher told you to go to the lunch counter, and said that he would take care of Michael for you. Instead, you chose to curse at Michael and started walking toward him in a threatening way. What were you trying to accomplish when you cursed at Michael and walked in his direction?” Keep probing, trying to find out what he wanted to accomplish. Most importantly, you want your child to make an admission about what happened so he can learn from it.
One of the things you want to do if you can is point out the exact moment when your child’s problem-solving skills stopped working, because that’s the point where the learning can take place. If your son says, “I started walking toward Michael because he was being mean to me,” you can respond, “You know, you were right that he was being mean and you were right to get angry, but if the teacher says he’s going to take care of it, you have to stop or you’ll get into trouble. If somebody insulted my clothes or called me names, I wouldn’t like it either. So I understand.”
6. When Talking with the School about Consequences:
Find out what the school’s usual consequences are for fighting when you talk with them. If they ask you, “What do you think we should do?” I think you should say, “Well, what are the standard consequences for this behavior? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t follow them? I think you should follow your policy.”
Let me be clear here: anything that your child does that is physically aggressive, physically abusive, or verbally abusive should be followed up at home with a discussion and possible consequence. (Any functional problem—running in the hall, chewing gum, throwing something—should be handled by the school. It’s their job to manage routine behavior.)
The reason you have to challenge the more disruptive behaviors at home is because home is the place where you have the time to teach him about alternatives. If it’s the first time, help him figure out where his coping skills broke down, and then work with him on coming up with some appropriate ones. On the other hand, if this is the second time this has happened at school, not only should you talk about where his skills broke down, but there should be a consequence to keep him accountable. That consequence could include any task that you think would be helpful to his learning about the situation for the amount of time it takes him to complete it. So grounding him for six hours is not helpful, but having him write ten things he could do differently next time is helpful.
If your child is suspended from school, I recommend that he loses all his privileges and electronics until he’s off suspension. That timeline is easy; the school has already set it for you. Remember, if your child is suspended to home, then you put the keyboard, the cable box, the iPod and the cell phone in the back of your car when you go to work.
And here's how I recommend that parents deal with siblings fighting at home:
7. How to Handle Fighting at Home:
Fighting at home differs from fighting in school for a parent because if you weren't there when the fight started, the reality is, there's no way to tell who's telling the truth—or if in fact there is a truth. Remember, if two kids with distorted perceptions get into a physical fight, there may not be a truth; there might just be their distorted perceptions compounded by the absence of communication and problem-solving skills. Either way, if you weren’t there to see the fight start, the best way to deal with it is to give both kids the same consequence and learning lesson. To begin with, meet with each child briefly to get their perceptions. Then give each kid the same consequence and learning lesson, no matter who you think was responsible for starting it. So that might be, “You will both go to your rooms until you write three paragraphs (depending upon how old your child is) on what you're going to do differently next time.” Or “Each of you has to go and write an apology to your brother. Until it’s done, you both stay in your rooms.” If your kids share a room, then send one to the kitchen. Separating them is important because not only will it stop the fight, it will help your kids calm down.
With younger kids, they can be sent to their room for a while to play on their own. And with older kids, let them listen to music in their rooms. The idea is that they should calm down and then write their essays. (With younger kids who can’t write yet, you might just have them tell you what they will do differently next time.) By the way, each child should be dealt with separately, regarding how they respond to the consequence. So if one child is resistant and defiant and the other is not, that's taken into consideration, in terms of how long they have to stay in their rooms or go without privileges.
Understand that your kids may have another fight an hour later, and they might have to go back in their rooms again and again. The important thing here is that when they write those apologies or alternative behaviors, the part of their mind that’s trying to solve problems and learn how to communicate better is beginning to work. Part of any learning experience is to get that area of the mind—the learning, problem-solving, communicating area of the mind—working. It's like exercising: as long as your body is doing push-ups, your muscles are going to get bigger. When you stop doing push-ups, those muscles don't get bigger anymore. And certainly, if you want to teach your child how to communicate and problem solve, you have to use those situations as much as you can. Think of it as practice for the future—you are helping your kids build muscles that will help them behave appropriately for the rest of their lives.
Whenever possible, build on past successes. What has the child done in this type of situation that worked for him in the past? You can ask, “Yesterday your brother was annoying to you, but you didn’t hit him then. What made today different? It seemed like you handled it great yesterday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today? What did you say to control yourself? How is this different?” Pointing out a previous success in a similar situation can provide insight and direction for the future, and that’s exactly what you want to give your child.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
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Sunday, May 24, 2009
Kids Who are Verbally Abusive
The Creation of a Defiant Child
When you’re standing in your kitchen, and you’re fighting back tears and rage as your son is calling you a bad name, you don’t have time to do much of anything but react. But when he’s stormed out the door or up to his room, the question arises in your mind yet again: “Why is he like this? Why does he talk to me this way?”Make no bones about it, when parents change their routine because a child throws a tantrum, or verbally abuses them, they’re teaching that child that he can have power over them through inappropriate behavior.
Verbal abuse and intimidation by children and teens isn’t just a phase that goes away; it doesn’t “just happen.” It often has deep roots that begin very early in a child’s development. In this article, I’m going to show you how your child’s abusive behavior may have evolved. Then next week, I’ll show you what you can do to stop it.
It should be noted that there are times when kids can get very mouthy as a reaction to stress, chaos or even as part of the developmental stage they’re going through. They can become testy in their answers to you, and their tone may become defiant or condescending. But abusive children cross a line when they start attacking people verbally, demeaning others, or threatening to harm themselves—or someone else. The verbalization of threats, name-calling and intimidation gives them power. Those are the kids we’re focusing on in this article, and usually they cross the line at a very early age.
Power: The Prime Motivator
Why do kids threaten and verbally abuse their parents? One reason is that when these children feel powerless, they lash out in an attempt to gain more control. Another reason is that they don’t have the problem-solving skills necessary to deal with frustration, to deal with disappointment or to resolve conflicts in a more appropriate manner. Children may fail to develop social problem-solving skills for a variety of reasons, which include diagnosed and undiagnosed learning disabilities, family chaos, or individual temperament. Consequently, these kids often become overwhelmed by the emotions they’re experiencing as a result of their inability to solve social problems appropriately. If they don’t have the tools to deal with these uncomfortable feelings, they resort to name-calling, threats and verbal abuse of those around them.
It is my firm belief that kids also threaten their parents because in our culture today, power has become the solution for the problems people face. That message comes at children from every conceivable source. Movies, music, video games, politics and pro sports glorify aggression and the use of power to get your way. Preteens and adolescents are the most vulnerable to cultural messages, and the message they are getting says that if you’re weak, if you’re alone, you lose. Don’t kid yourself; this is not wasted on our youth. From a very early age, kids are taught that fighting for power and control will solve their problems. And as they get older, that fight becomes a lot more intense.
Now let’s say you have a child who, for whatever reason, has poor problem-solving skills. He sees the message of power around him on T.V., in his community and in his culture. He then learns how to use power in the form of threats and verbal abuse to replace his lack of problem-solving abilities. Instead of having to deal with his emotions and overcome whatever given obstacle is in his path, that child uses acting-out behavior, aggressive behavior and abusive behavior so that somebody else has to solve his problems for him. In effect, using this acting out, aggressive or abusive behavior becomes his problem-solving skill. This is a very dangerous pattern for a child to develop.
How Defiance Develops in Your Child
When we raise our children, we are teaching them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, whether we think they’re learning from us or not. Children watch adults for a living. What parents don’t always understand is that chronic defiance in children develops over time, after certain lessons are learned and it can start very early on.
Let’s take the case of a child who was a fairly normal baby. He’s achieved all the developmental milestones, was perhaps a little cranky at times, but generally, behaved age-appropriately. As he gets a little older, he starts having more problems. At about the age of five, he begins to balk at the idea of picking up after himself, whether it’s his dirty clothes going into the hamper or toys with which he’s been playing. If he’s told to clean things in his room, he goes to the living room instead of complying. When asked to finish the task at hand, he says, “I don’t want to,” and that becomes his battle cry. His parents have to stand over him to get anything done. As he gets older, he starts to challenge and justify, his voice gets louder and his tone gets rougher. He gets stuck in the loop of saying, “I don’t want to. I don’t have to. I’ll do it later. Why do I have to do it now?” When pushed, he will do things grudgingly, but only when adults are watching him. And as soon as they leave the room, his compliance stops.
Some parents will respond to this behavior by lowering their expectations. They place less responsibility on their child to pick up after himself. They wind up picking up his dirty clothes every day and picking up his books and toys, rather than dealing with his resistance, excuses and thinking errors. They think it’s easier and keeps the peace if they just to “do it themselves.”
For the parents, this can seem like a really good way to cut down on the fighting. After all, it only takes them 30 seconds to put the books away and pick up their child’s laundry. By the way, that’s a very common response and in some cases, it works out fine. But there are certain children who see that their parents have changed their rules and expectations because they fear their child’s resistance and acting out.
These are the children for whom capitulation on the part of the parents becomes a lesson. The lesson is, “If I throw a tantrum and scream at my mother and father, I’m going to get my way.” For these children, what tends to happen is that they start throwing more tantrums, yelling more frequently and using these inappropriate behaviors to solve their social problems.
Very early in life, children have to learn to deal with the word “no.” They have to learn the feelings of frustration or anger that are triggered when they hear it. In that way, being told “no” is a social problem that they have to solve. Most children develop the social skills of managing the feelings that are triggered when they’re denied something. But when the children I’m talking about are told “no” in a department store, their behavior escalates until they’re tantruming. And what tends to happen over time is that parents read the signals: they see that the behavior is escalating, and they try to do something about it before the tantrum begins. In other words, as the child gives them cues that he’s going to soon lose control if they keep placing the same demands on him, they lessen their demands. That lowering of expectations usually occurs by over-negotiating, compromising, or giving in to their child’s demands. In this way, these kids learn to shape the behavior of the adults around them. Make no bones about it, when parents change their routine because a child throws a tantrum, or verbally abuses them, they’re teaching that child that he can have power over them through inappropriate behavior. And once again, it’s not a lesson lost on that child.
While that’s going on, there’s a parallel process in which the parents are learning, as well. That lesson is, “If the child is given into, he stops tantruming and stops acting out.” For most parents, stopping the acting out is important because its embarrassing and frustrating. And so the parents are taught by the child that if they do what he wants, things will get easier, and if they don’t hold him accountable, even at 24 months, he’ll stop yelling and having temper tantrums. Parents learn to tolerate more inappropriate, acting-out behavior from the child. I call it “Parents raising their tolerance for deviance.” And those two processes, separate though parallel, build on each other and form the child’s way of dealing with life.
Of course, as the child gets older, tantrums take on a very different look. Since lying on the floor and screaming and kicking your feet makes kids feel embarrassed when they reach a certain age, they learn various forms of verbal abuse, including name-calling, putting others down, and threatening. They enter kindergarten and try to throw tantrums or fight with their teachers, and then wonder why they aren’t allowed to get away with things in school. Many times, they have problems getting along with other kids. When you think about it, the sandbox is a very commonsense place. If your child is in the sandbox with other kids and he’s yelling at them and calling them names or threatening to hurt them, they won’t play with him anymore—that’s all there is to it. And if your child is using inappropriate behavior as a way to get his way, the other kids are going to avoid him. If they have no choice but to accommodate him, once again he will fail to develop appropriate social skills. The lesson that he can get his way by verbally abusing others is reinforced.
So the intimidation between that child and his parents, and between that child and his peers, can start pretty early. Remember that there might be any number of reasons why a child is acting out and unable to handle the difficulties life presents: he might not learn to solve problems effectively because he has a neurological impairment like ADHD, an undiagnosed learning disability, a chaotic family life, or just a personal tendency to be oppositional. The acting-out child then enters adolescence and is a teen whose only problem-solving skills are to talk back abusively, put others down and curse at them, threaten to break things, or even use physical violence. One of the theories of The Total Transformation Program is that it doesn’t really matter what prevents your child from learning how to solve problems—rather, it’s his inability to do this that leads to the inappropriate behavior. This includes the use of power thrusts like verbal abuse, physical intimidation and assault.The truth is, it’s a core part of our job as parents to teach our children problem-solving skills and to show them that tantrums, screaming, yelling and name-calling, verbal abuse and intimidation will not solve their problems. The reason why we need to step in and help them change their ineffective way of dealing with life’s problems is because the more we give power to inappropriate, verbally abusive, behavior the less prepared that child is going to be to solve life’s problems as an adult. Make no mistake about it, children who use verbal abuse, name-calling, cursing and intimidation, become verbally abusive adults.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"I'm a Victim, So the Rules Don't Apply to Me!"
How to Stop "Victim Thinking" in Kids
by James Lehman, MSW
Whenever an adolescent doesn’t want to take responsibility, it’s very likely they’ll present themselves as a victim. When your child says, “You don’t understand me,” that’s playing the victim, because what they’re really saying is, “I’m a victim of your misunderstanding." When they say, “My teacher is mean. That’s why I didn’t do my homework,” that is victim thinking, because they’re blaming their teacher for not having completed their work. And when you hear, “I hit my sister because she stuck her tongue out at me," that is also victim thinking, because your child is using something as an excuse for breaking a rule in your household. And you’ll see excuse-making, blaming and justification all contained within this kind of thought process. In our society today, kids as well as adults have become adept at using all of these strategies to rationalize their actions.
Here is where the danger lies: at the core of victim thinking is the belief that if you’re a victim of something, then the rules don’t apply to you. To put this another way, if you’re a victim, you’re not responsible for the results of your actions. Consequently, if you're not responsible, then you don't have to change anything: it's somebody else's fault. In our culture, if you’re a victim of a bad childhood, an accepted belief is that you’re not totally responsible for your wrongdoings. In my opinion that’s a lot of nonsense. That kind of thinking has led to the type of society that we see around us today, in which no one takes responsibility for anything and everyone is a victim of some perceived injustice. So where does this thinking come from? Well, look around you. Look at our leaders, look at our politicians. It’s never their fault; they’re always victims of something or someone. The sad truth is that victim thinking permeates our society at every level.
Teens and Victim Thinking: “You Just Don’t Understand Me!”
One reason why it’s so common for teens to fall into the trap of victim thinking is because it’s part of the way they try to individuate from their parents. So, instead of seeing themselves as protected by their parents, they start to see themselves as the victim of their parents. They feel victimized by household rules, limits and expectations from their parents.
If you think of it from your child’s perspective, adolescence is probably the most conflicted age that a person can go through. Teens and pre-teens are filled with intense emotions. They are undergoing hormonal, physical and sexual changes. When they get to junior high and high school, they are handling more responsibility than they ever had in grade school. Don’t forget that the 16-year-old who has access to money and cars and drugs was a 12-year-old four years ago. As parents, it’s important to remember how quickly this happens. This does not mean that children shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, though—far from it. In fact, I think parents need to be more aware of the natural propensity of teens to use victim thinking, and that you should challenge it as often as possible.
It’s not unusual for kids to feel very comfortable in their identity as a victim. When you challenge that stance, your child might see you as being a little weird and out-of-touch. He might say, “You just don’t understand me,” when you don’t buy into the victim thing. And by the way, most parents do buy into it. Many develop a parenting style where they believe their kids are victims, and then they try to fix things for them. But in my experience, this creates a very difficult situation for the family.
When your child says, “You don’t understand me," he’s inviting you to a fight. Don’t fight that fight. All you have to say is, “Well, maybe I don’t understand you. But I do understand this: you have to do your homework and there will be no electronics until you get it done."
Another thing you can say is, “Maybe I don’t understand you, but it’s important that you understand what I expect you to do." Don’t argue with your child or get sidetracked into fights about who understands whom, or who loves whom. Be firm and don’t let yourself get pulled into that.
Why Seeing Yourself as a Victim is a “Thinking Error”
Victim thinking is actually part of a broader range of what we call “thinking errors". There are errors in thinking just like there are errors in math and spelling. Someone may spell a word or solve a math problem a certain way and get the wrong answer. But while they’re doing it, they believe it’s right.
In the same way, people use thinking errors and get the wrong answer to life. The sad part is, while they’re doing it they think it’s the right answer. Some of the thinking errors adolescents use are dishonesty, justification, making excuses, blaming others, and playing the victim. And so you’ll see adolescents using victim thinking within this whole constellation of thinking errors. And they use it to avoid taking responsibility for things they’ve done or things they don’t want to do. For the most part, adolescents believe what they’re thinking; it’s not a manipulation. When your child plays the victim, makes excuses or justifies himself, he believes what he's thinking and saying is true. That does not mean that you shouldn’t hold him responsible for his actions—and I mean hold him responsible sternly and clearly. I believe allowing your child to use thinking errors in order to avoid taking responsiblity is a very dangerous thing, because it will not prepare him for adult life and decision-making.
Establish a Culture of Accountability
I believe parents should develop what I call a “culture of accountability” in their home. This means that whatever is going on in the outside world, in your home there is a culture of accountability—and not a culture of thinking errors. So blaming, excuses, justifying, and being the victim should have no place in the realm of doing your chores, treating other people appropriately, doing your homework and taking care of your responsibilities. It means that your child is accountable in your home for all of those things.
Part of establishing a culture of accountability is being very clear as a parent about what your values are with your kids. Then, you have to live those values. So if you value taking responsibility, not only do you have to be clear about that, you have to take your responsibilities seriously, and then you have to demand it from your children. As I’ve said before, if you value honesty, don’t lie. If you value trust, be up front about the things you do. And tell your kids, “These are the things we value and this is the way we’re going to live in this home."
Your child is exposed to thousands of things in the outside world, but when he comes home, he’s accountable to your values. You hold him accountable by setting limits, rewarding responsibility-taking, and giving consequences for making excuses. You also teach him accountability through discussions about behavior and conversations about how to do things differently "next time it happens." Remember, in your home, your child is accountable to you.
Kids are Only Victims When You Allow Them To Be Victims
Here’s the truth: kids are only victims when you allow them to be victims. In order for your child to be a victim, you have to accept their excuses or their blame. I suggest you challenge your child’s thinking by saying things like:
Here’s an example of a conversation you might have with your child when you find out they haven't done their homework:
You: “Your teacher emailed me and said you haven't handed in your homework all week."
Challenge the thinking error right at its source. That’s part of what I teach parents to do in The Total Transformation Program.
When Victim Thinking Becomes a Way of Life
It’s important to confront victim thinking in our children if we don’t want thinking errors to become a way of life. A few years ago, there was a very in-depth study done on criminals in the California prison system. One of the important things it showed was that people who return to prison repeatedly see themselves as victims: victims of poor childhoods, of society, of poor parenting, of poverty. And what happens is, as long as they see themselves as victims, they don’t feel as if they have to take responsibility to change their antisocial behavior.
When you’re a victim you can always find a way to be a victim. If you’re the parent of teenagers, you know that many of them find a way to think of themselves as victims much of the time. Remember, although your child is going to develop thinking errors automatically, it’s up to us as parents to challenge that victim thinking and hold our children accountable.
by James Lehman, MSW
Whenever an adolescent doesn’t want to take responsibility, it’s very likely they’ll present themselves as a victim. When your child says, “You don’t understand me,” that’s playing the victim, because what they’re really saying is, “I’m a victim of your misunderstanding." When they say, “My teacher is mean. That’s why I didn’t do my homework,” that is victim thinking, because they’re blaming their teacher for not having completed their work. And when you hear, “I hit my sister because she stuck her tongue out at me," that is also victim thinking, because your child is using something as an excuse for breaking a rule in your household. And you’ll see excuse-making, blaming and justification all contained within this kind of thought process. In our society today, kids as well as adults have become adept at using all of these strategies to rationalize their actions.Here is where the danger lies: at the core of victim thinking is the belief that if you’re a victim of something, then the rules don’t apply to you. To put this another way, if you’re a victim, you’re not responsible for the results of your actions. Consequently, if you're not responsible, then you don't have to change anything: it's somebody else's fault. In our culture, if you’re a victim of a bad childhood, an accepted belief is that you’re not totally responsible for your wrongdoings. In my opinion that’s a lot of nonsense. That kind of thinking has led to the type of society that we see around us today, in which no one takes responsibility for anything and everyone is a victim of some perceived injustice. So where does this thinking come from? Well, look around you. Look at our leaders, look at our politicians. It’s never their fault; they’re always victims of something or someone. The sad truth is that victim thinking permeates our society at every level.
Teens and Victim Thinking: “You Just Don’t Understand Me!”
One reason why it’s so common for teens to fall into the trap of victim thinking is because it’s part of the way they try to individuate from their parents. So, instead of seeing themselves as protected by their parents, they start to see themselves as the victim of their parents. They feel victimized by household rules, limits and expectations from their parents.
If you think of it from your child’s perspective, adolescence is probably the most conflicted age that a person can go through. Teens and pre-teens are filled with intense emotions. They are undergoing hormonal, physical and sexual changes. When they get to junior high and high school, they are handling more responsibility than they ever had in grade school. Don’t forget that the 16-year-old who has access to money and cars and drugs was a 12-year-old four years ago. As parents, it’s important to remember how quickly this happens. This does not mean that children shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, though—far from it. In fact, I think parents need to be more aware of the natural propensity of teens to use victim thinking, and that you should challenge it as often as possible.
It’s not unusual for kids to feel very comfortable in their identity as a victim. When you challenge that stance, your child might see you as being a little weird and out-of-touch. He might say, “You just don’t understand me,” when you don’t buy into the victim thing. And by the way, most parents do buy into it. Many develop a parenting style where they believe their kids are victims, and then they try to fix things for them. But in my experience, this creates a very difficult situation for the family.
When your child says, “You don’t understand me," he’s inviting you to a fight. Don’t fight that fight. All you have to say is, “Well, maybe I don’t understand you. But I do understand this: you have to do your homework and there will be no electronics until you get it done."
Another thing you can say is, “Maybe I don’t understand you, but it’s important that you understand what I expect you to do." Don’t argue with your child or get sidetracked into fights about who understands whom, or who loves whom. Be firm and don’t let yourself get pulled into that.
Why Seeing Yourself as a Victim is a “Thinking Error”
Victim thinking is actually part of a broader range of what we call “thinking errors". There are errors in thinking just like there are errors in math and spelling. Someone may spell a word or solve a math problem a certain way and get the wrong answer. But while they’re doing it, they believe it’s right.
In the same way, people use thinking errors and get the wrong answer to life. The sad part is, while they’re doing it they think it’s the right answer. Some of the thinking errors adolescents use are dishonesty, justification, making excuses, blaming others, and playing the victim. And so you’ll see adolescents using victim thinking within this whole constellation of thinking errors. And they use it to avoid taking responsibility for things they’ve done or things they don’t want to do. For the most part, adolescents believe what they’re thinking; it’s not a manipulation. When your child plays the victim, makes excuses or justifies himself, he believes what he's thinking and saying is true. That does not mean that you shouldn’t hold him responsible for his actions—and I mean hold him responsible sternly and clearly. I believe allowing your child to use thinking errors in order to avoid taking responsiblity is a very dangerous thing, because it will not prepare him for adult life and decision-making.
Establish a Culture of Accountability
I believe parents should develop what I call a “culture of accountability” in their home. This means that whatever is going on in the outside world, in your home there is a culture of accountability—and not a culture of thinking errors. So blaming, excuses, justifying, and being the victim should have no place in the realm of doing your chores, treating other people appropriately, doing your homework and taking care of your responsibilities. It means that your child is accountable in your home for all of those things.
Part of establishing a culture of accountability is being very clear as a parent about what your values are with your kids. Then, you have to live those values. So if you value taking responsibility, not only do you have to be clear about that, you have to take your responsibilities seriously, and then you have to demand it from your children. As I’ve said before, if you value honesty, don’t lie. If you value trust, be up front about the things you do. And tell your kids, “These are the things we value and this is the way we’re going to live in this home."
Your child is exposed to thousands of things in the outside world, but when he comes home, he’s accountable to your values. You hold him accountable by setting limits, rewarding responsibility-taking, and giving consequences for making excuses. You also teach him accountability through discussions about behavior and conversations about how to do things differently "next time it happens." Remember, in your home, your child is accountable to you.
Kids are Only Victims When You Allow Them To Be Victims
Here’s the truth: kids are only victims when you allow them to be victims. In order for your child to be a victim, you have to accept their excuses or their blame. I suggest you challenge your child’s thinking by saying things like:
- “It sounds like you’re justifying cursing at your sister because she was looking at you the wrong way.”
- “Making excuses is not going to solve the problem of you having to mow the lawn…and I expect you to do it.”
- “Blaming your teacher is not going to solve your problem of getting your homework done.”
Here’s an example of a conversation you might have with your child when you find out they haven't done their homework:
You: “Your teacher emailed me and said you haven't handed in your homework all week."Your child: “You know, my teacher's a jerk. He never explains what we're supposed to do and then he expects me to hand in his assignments.”
You: “It sounds like you're blaming your teacher for not meeting the responsibility of handing in your homework.”
Your child: “It's not my fault! I told you, he's a jerk.”
You: “We're not talking about whose fault it is. We're talking about whose responsibility it is to do your homework and hand it in, or ask me or the teacher for help. You can't just not do it, and then blame your teacher.”
You: “It sounds like you're blaming your teacher for not meeting the responsibility of handing in your homework.”
Your child: “It's not my fault! I told you, he's a jerk.”
You: “We're not talking about whose fault it is. We're talking about whose responsibility it is to do your homework and hand it in, or ask me or the teacher for help. You can't just not do it, and then blame your teacher.”
Challenge the thinking error right at its source. That’s part of what I teach parents to do in The Total Transformation Program.
When Victim Thinking Becomes a Way of Life
It’s important to confront victim thinking in our children if we don’t want thinking errors to become a way of life. A few years ago, there was a very in-depth study done on criminals in the California prison system. One of the important things it showed was that people who return to prison repeatedly see themselves as victims: victims of poor childhoods, of society, of poor parenting, of poverty. And what happens is, as long as they see themselves as victims, they don’t feel as if they have to take responsibility to change their antisocial behavior.
When you’re a victim you can always find a way to be a victim. If you’re the parent of teenagers, you know that many of them find a way to think of themselves as victims much of the time. Remember, although your child is going to develop thinking errors automatically, it’s up to us as parents to challenge that victim thinking and hold our children accountable.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Good Cop/Bad Cop Parenting
by James Lehman, MSW
If you and your spouse take opposing roles in dealing with your kids, you’re not alone. Many parents take on the roles of “good cop” and “bad cop” in the family. For instance, Dad is the kid’s best buddy, and mom is the nag. Or dad is strict and mom is a sympathizer.
Which “cop” is right? And should you be a cop at all?
I see two problems with the notion of good cop/bad cop parenting. First, is the very idea that somebody has to be a “cop” all the time. Parents don’t need to be cops. They simply need to be coaches and teachers for their children.
Second, what’s really happening when parents become good cops and bad cops is that the kids have learned to split their parents. The area of the split is where kids go to get out of meeting their responsibilities.
For example, Tommy goes to mom and says, “Dad’s making me clean my room before we go to the mall.” Or he says to mom, “Why do I have to clean my room? Dad doesn’t make me do it.” When your child makes complaints like this, both parents have to be supportive of each other. You have to be able to say, “These are the rules Dad and I both have, and you have to do it or you’re going to be held responsible for the consequences.” Then turn around and walk away. That’s it. Give simple statements of support. The more unified you are as parents, the more likely your child is to complete his responsibilities, because he doesn’t have another way out. The only way out is to act responsibly and do what’s asked of him.
But what if you don’t really agree with what Dad is asking Tommy to do? If you have a problem with a rule or limit your spouse sets or a request that’s being made of your kid, don’t make a face. Don’t sigh. And, by all means, don’t argue with your spouse about the issue in front of the child…or even indicate that you are going to argue. Just tell your child he has to do what’s been asked of him. Then talk with your spouse later, after the kids have gone to bed and out of earshot. This is important, because kids pick up on non-verbal cues from their parents a lot more than you think. If your child sees that you disagree with what’s being asked of him, he’ll bring up the issue again and again, to split you and your spouse and to avoid meeting the responsibility.
Simple statements of support work when you use them consistently. When Tommy complains that Dad won’t let him play Runescape before he does his homework, and you say, “Your father said you can’t play Runescape until you do your homework. That’s the rule,” you can bet Tommy will stop trying to split you and your spouse.
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.
READERS' COMMENTS
Great Advise ! Simplicity and consistancy is definately the key towards attempting to control a defiant child's unacceptable outbursts and demands .
Comment By : BW
good article- there needs to more said in this area. Our family has huge problems with this.
Comment By : kellip
This article was helpful but I have two questions. One, what about if one parent is asking the child to do a chore that does not seem age appropriate or that they may not be capable of doing? Two, what do I do when I asked my husband to take the garbage out and instead of doing it he asks our son to do it for him and my son then points out 'Mom asked you to do it not me'. Because in this situation my son is right, but yet arguing with my husband in front of our son would be a bad thing to do.
Comment By : VickyW
If you and your spouse take opposing roles in dealing with your kids, you’re not alone. Many parents take on the roles of “good cop” and “bad cop” in the family. For instance, Dad is the kid’s best buddy, and mom is the nag. Or dad is strict and mom is a sympathizer.
Which “cop” is right? And should you be a cop at all?
I see two problems with the notion of good cop/bad cop parenting. First, is the very idea that somebody has to be a “cop” all the time. Parents don’t need to be cops. They simply need to be coaches and teachers for their children.
Second, what’s really happening when parents become good cops and bad cops is that the kids have learned to split their parents. The area of the split is where kids go to get out of meeting their responsibilities.
For example, Tommy goes to mom and says, “Dad’s making me clean my room before we go to the mall.” Or he says to mom, “Why do I have to clean my room? Dad doesn’t make me do it.” When your child makes complaints like this, both parents have to be supportive of each other. You have to be able to say, “These are the rules Dad and I both have, and you have to do it or you’re going to be held responsible for the consequences.” Then turn around and walk away. That’s it. Give simple statements of support. The more unified you are as parents, the more likely your child is to complete his responsibilities, because he doesn’t have another way out. The only way out is to act responsibly and do what’s asked of him.
But what if you don’t really agree with what Dad is asking Tommy to do? If you have a problem with a rule or limit your spouse sets or a request that’s being made of your kid, don’t make a face. Don’t sigh. And, by all means, don’t argue with your spouse about the issue in front of the child…or even indicate that you are going to argue. Just tell your child he has to do what’s been asked of him. Then talk with your spouse later, after the kids have gone to bed and out of earshot. This is important, because kids pick up on non-verbal cues from their parents a lot more than you think. If your child sees that you disagree with what’s being asked of him, he’ll bring up the issue again and again, to split you and your spouse and to avoid meeting the responsibility.
Simple statements of support work when you use them consistently. When Tommy complains that Dad won’t let him play Runescape before he does his homework, and you say, “Your father said you can’t play Runescape until you do your homework. That’s the rule,” you can bet Tommy will stop trying to split you and your spouse.
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.comJames Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.
READERS' COMMENTS
Great Advise ! Simplicity and consistancy is definately the key towards attempting to control a defiant child's unacceptable outbursts and demands .
Comment By : BW
good article- there needs to more said in this area. Our family has huge problems with this.
Comment By : kellip
This article was helpful but I have two questions. One, what about if one parent is asking the child to do a chore that does not seem age appropriate or that they may not be capable of doing? Two, what do I do when I asked my husband to take the garbage out and instead of doing it he asks our son to do it for him and my son then points out 'Mom asked you to do it not me'. Because in this situation my son is right, but yet arguing with my husband in front of our son would be a bad thing to do.
Comment By : VickyW
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