Have you ever noticed that when
things aren’t going right, particularly with your kids, your
knee-jerk reaction is to do more of something—not less?
If they are not listening to you, you most likely raise your
voice, rather than lower it. If they are struggling with something
difficult, you jump in with loads of ideas, rather than keeping
quiet or offering only one or two ideas.
In truth, however, a softer voice
would probably be more effective in getting their attention, while
offering fewer of your own ideas would motivate them to devise
their own solutions.
In our culture, there is a strong
assumption that when our children are struggling it means they
need more: more attention, more time, more focus, more
love. Johnny seems a bit day-dreamy lately, so perhaps he needs
more attention from his parents. Jessie isn’t doing well enough in
school this semester, maybe she needs more focus from teachers and
parents. Or Emma seems to have low self-esteem, so maybe she needs
more love, acknowledgement, and approval.
Stop Over-Giving,
Over-Praising, and Over-Sharing
Maybe for some kids and for
some parents, this is true some of the time—but
most of the time it is not. Often, giving more of those things is
a sure way to impair our children. Even though we react this way
out of love, we can be causing the very opposite result of what we
intend.
From Day 1, we’ve been conditioned to over-function for our kids. By overdoing, over-giving, and over-praising, we are contributing to their ultimate dependence on these things.
As a result, now Jessie believes she
can’t manage her schoolwork without lots of help from her parents.
Emma can’t feel good about herself unless she gets others’
approval and acknowledgement, while Johnny doesn’t know how to
regulate himself without getting others’ time, focus and
attention. We have unwittingly encouraged dependence rather than
self-reliance. Kids get addicted. And sometimes we parents get our
own validation by feeling useful and necessary through over-doing
for our children. But in the end, they learn helplessness rather
than resilience.
Tolerating Our Kids’ Pain
We hear all the time that in order to
be a good parent, partner, or friend it is important to fulfill
others' needs and be empathetic to their feelings. Yes, that is
important, but only up to a point.
For example, 13-year-old Nicole was
very anxious about going on sleepovers at friends’ houses. Her
parents empathized with her pain and struggle so much that they
ran to pick her up as soon as she texted them with any indication
of her discomfort. They would bring her home and hug her and
listen to her express her sadness about “failing” again. They
would do whatever they could to make her feel better and assure
her that she had not failed, she was just not ready.
Is it possible that what Nicole
really needed was to become more responsible for herself? Her
parents could have encouraged her to challenge her fear, manage
her anxiety, and regulate her own emotions.
If Nicole’s parents acknowledged her
struggle and pain without rescuing her from it, Nicole could
finally have grown up and become a more self-reliant and
responsible person. This, of course, requires the parents to
tolerate her pain. Although it can be very hard to do, it is only
when parents can raise their tolerance level for their child’s
pain that their child can be motivated to do the same.
When More IS the Answer
So is more ever better than less? Of
course—here are four examples.
- Do more for yourself and less for your child. In this case, doing less empathizing, less “meeting her needs,” and less focusing on her is actually a more caring and responsible position for a parent to take.
- Think less about fulfilling your kids' needs and more about helping them be responsible for their own. For instance, “I am not running back to school so that you can get the homework books you forgot—you will have to find a way to find out what is due tomorrow or make it up.”
- Think less about your children’s feelings and more about helping them function at their best. “You may not feel like saying you are sorry to your cousin, but I am holding you accountable to do the right thing.”
- Think less about buying into their whining and complaining and more about helping them manage and regulate themselves. “I know that you hate doing your chores but when I ask you to do them I expect them to get done. You can be unhappy about it, but please find a way not to drag others down when you are unhappy.”
Be there for your kids in the ways they actually need you, but move out of their way otherwise. And learn to know the difference.
Letting Go
When you are told by teachers,
in-laws and friends that your kids seem to need more from
you—attention, time, focus, acknowledgement, approval—stop and
think hard about it. Do they really? Are you actually neglecting
them? If so, then of course you should do more of what they need
from you.
However, in the more likely scenario,
they are getting more than enough from you. So it’s best for them
if you cut back and let them struggle to find their own legs.
Letting go will leave you feeling wobbly at first, but with
practice and time, you will find your own strong legs to stand on.
Less Is More: The Perils of Over-Parenting reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered
compassionate and effective therapy and coaching,
helping individuals, couples and parents to heal
themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the
creator of the Calm
Parent AM & PM program and is also the
author of numerous books for young people on
interpersonal relations. |
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